Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Memories of Christmas ....






















“Jose, what is the first thing that come to your mind when you think of Christmas?. Asked my friend.

“Christmas cakes..mmmm..yummy…those delicious cakes”. I said.

On hearing that, another friend, who was a hard-core Christian believer, said to me.

“Jose..you should be ashamed of calling yourself a Christian. You should be thinking of Jesus first. We celebrate Christmas because of Jesus only”

“Dude…you may be right. But..I just said what I felt. For the sake of making someone happy why should I lie? “

Anyway…..Christmas reminds me of many things. The yummy, delicious cakes, nice greeting cards packed with emotions and finally the celebration at home.

I was always addicted to the scrumptious plum cakes that start arriving in the beginning of December. Plum cakes with dry fruits embedded in it are my favourites. Cakes with icings are also my favourites.


I have good memories of Christmas celebrated in my house. Though a true Christian family may spend the night before Christmas in the church, I have never been to a church on the Christmas eve. But I would eagerly wait for the next day. On the Christmas day we will get many cakes from the guests. Then, for the next few days, I will be living on cakes.

Immediately after waking up ( even before brushing teeth), before, during and after breakfast, before, during and after lunch, during tea time in the evening, and finally before during and after dinner…I will have pieces of cakes. Oh..God…I enjoyed eating cakes all the time ( in fact I do even now ). After I reach a saturation point, even on seeing a small piece of cake I would say…

“oh..mom…not any more “

The next thing I liked about Christmas is …the greeting cards. They are getting endangered I guess. Though you may spot them in the shops even now, I guess they are slowly getting replaced by e-cards which are a click-of- the- button away in the cyberspace. Frankly speaking, e-cards do not thrill me.

While I was a student (end of nineties, before the e-mail became popular in India), I used to get lot of Christmas cards. Everyday postman would bring Christmas cards..big, small, colourful, decorated and some with tress and Santa Claus popping out of the card. They would be from friends and relatives. Some of them will carry lovely handwritten messages loaded with love and affection. (if it is from a female friend..Oh..my god..that card will be special and will carry an additional special attention…haa..ha.. a typical teenager )

Look at those cards with bit more attention. The sender has taken out some time to buy it for me. Then he or she must have spent some more time in putting a message in their own handwriting. It is truly a more personalized way of showing affection. Certainly, I feel so. I guess, that personal touch is lost to some extent with the e-cards now.

I used to draw pictures and make Christmas cards myself, to greet all my friends and relatives. Not only I could save money, but , I could also add another extra touch of personalized affection by doing so. The best card I have made so far, took almost a week to make (drawing, painting, decorating, writing etc ) and it was given to a best friend of mine (of course a female friend..haa..haa ) .

And then the celebration on Christmas day…. I would be awaiting Christmas since the beginning of third week of December itself. Paper made stars with colour bulbs illuminating it from inside, would be kept hanging in the front yard. Christmas carol from the nearby churches would visit every house. My mom and sisters would start preparations for the Christmas feast, at least two three days before. On the Christmas day, we will have lot of guests. ..family friends, relatives, friends of my brothers and father, and occasionally my friends too. Our house will have a festive look. The warmth and happiness of Christmas would be felt throughout the day.

After my father passed away, and our family business started showing a decline, we were going through a tighter than ever financial situation. As Christmas approach, my mom would start worrying. Celebrating Christmas, like the previous years would make a big dent in the reserves we have. Every penny counted then. How can we tell our guests not to come for Christmas, as we do not want to make a big celebration? I don’t know how my mom, brothers and sisters managed to celebrate Christmas still the same way, with all the guests coming without fail.

Then slowly I started realizing something, which disturbed me badly. On every Christmas day, while me and my brothers enjoy the festive mood and entertain our guests, my mom and sisters would be constantly at work in the kitchen. Either cooking, washing the plates continuously, serving the guests or occasionally coming out of the kitchen to talk to the guests. Once the day is over, they would get sick due to over exhaustion. Already old age and associated weaknesses had captured my mom. (She is now seventy eight). That was a time when we couldn’t even think of getting a maid servant to do the household jobs. Even my mom didn’t’ like someone else doing the household jobs.

When I noticed this for couple of years, I really felt bad. I was still a student then. Only my brothers contributed to the family income. (Now I realize how hard it might have been for them to look after the family amidst difficult financial circumstances)

Slowly I started avoiding my friends for the Christmas day at home. Instead I would go out with them in the evening and have dinner outside. At least I could reduce some load on my mom and sister. Some of my friends would complain..

“Jose ..why are you not calling us for Christmas?”

I would just smile at them as a reply. I couldn’t tell the reason. In someone else’s eyes, my reasoning might appear as silly.

Few years back ( as I had started earning by then) I said to mom..

“ Mom…this Christmas, lets buy things from outside. Everything is available in the market. Why struggle to prepare everything here? Please don’t burn yourself in the kitchen“

She was hesitant initially. But as I kept on insisting, she agreed. Me and my brothers arranged everything from outside. Cakes, meat, food, paper plates..and everything. Still my sister and sister- in- law made some typical Christmas cookies, not to devoid the Christmas feast of its homely touch

Last Christmas… Me and Leena were with my family in Trivandrum. We even decorated a small Christmas tree. It was fun doing it along with the kids in the family. Though I know that every day I spent with my family, I feel the warmth of togetherness and family bonds, Christmas day is special…may be beyond what I can describe.

This Christmas…I would miss my family. We are not going home. This year has been full of ups and downs, like a roller coaster journey. From the peak of joys it took us to the trenches of grief. This Christmas..we would be in the dialysis unit of Manipal hospital, a place which has become a part of our life.

Ho ..Ho..Ho…. I see Santa around the corner. Does he have some gifts for us? I certainly believe so. I sincerely wish he would bring us a gift, which can lift our spirits, keep the fire of hope burning and bring out many many years of happiness.

For all those who read this….Merry Christmas from the bottom of my heart.


Jose

22-Dec-2010

Bangalore

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Like a thorn in my heart....


I wanted to forget that

Just like a summer dream

But it kept pinching me

Like a thorn in my heart

There was this young girl

Lovely and pretty

Cooling my mind like

The rain in the desert

Songs of the birds and

The breeze in the air

I thought, will let my

Love for her bloom

Desire to tell her, when

Burned like a fire

I was like a butterfly

Flying into fire

And when I loved her

I never knew that

My, once wounded heart is

Going to be hurt

When I did tell her

She, simply denied me

I knew it will pinch me

Like a thorn in my heart

Why did I love her

Though she didn’t want me

Why did I tell her

Though she didn’t ask me

I never knew that

The love in my heart was

For someone who was not

Supposed to be mine

To hide out my grief form

The world, all around me

I masqueraded with

A smile on my face

I, tried hard to forget

The love I had for her

But, still it keep pinching me

Like a thorn in my heart

If there is someone

Destined to be mine

I’ll trouble her with

My love, Everlasting

( this one dates back seven or eight years.... a poem written in distress.. .and it reminds me of what exactly is infatuation . I felt it towards someone who was not even my friend..we hardly knew each other...why did I feel like that..I have no clue? Perhaps the stupidity of a human mind was epitomized by me then. when I asked her for a date..she rejected it outright...rejection..in whatever form..is painful...

Now..years after..when I look at this poem.. I feel like...God...what was I doing? . But, to be frank..each word put in this...was coming straight from my heart )


Jose

16- Dec- 2010




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