Mr Avogadro ..

Raindrops of monsoon in June, poured down mercilessly. Some of them hit me like hailstones. I pedaled my bicycle as fast as I could. It was eight in the morning. I was on my way to the tuition class. The sky above me was like an artist’s canvas, with small silver streaks in a background of grey clouds. Morning sun was nowhere to be seen. Though I was wearing a raincoat, it could only keep my chest dry. Raindrops found its way through the backside and made my shirt wet. The fury of the rain was obscuring my sight as well. First I thought of taking shelter somewhere. But the sheer thought that I may miss Thomas sir’s chemistry class, put some more adrenaline into my blood. I crushed the pedals with more force.

As a student who studied in Malayalam medium till matriculation, the change of medium to English during intermediate classes caused some difficulty initially. Just the college classes were not enough for me. Going for parallel classes was the options available. In the tuition centre were I studied, the quality of education was really good. It helped to a great extent in keeping pace with the classes in the college. This was exceptionally true for chemistry. The main reason for that was Thomas sir. He was a very knowledgeable teacher. At the same time, he was fiery figure among the students for being very strict. He would go to any extent to help students understand the subject. But in return, if the performances are not that good, they will see another side of him. His way of punishment was peculiar. He would ask the person to stand up in the class for the whole duration of the class. He would interrogate anyone lying to him, with all kinds of embarrassing questions, a real punishment in a mixed class of boys and girls. Anyone who has faced that embarrassment once, would automatically be regular in his class and studies. He had a nickname also. As his favorite question during the quiz sessions is about “Avogadro number”, he was known as “Mr. Avogadro. Once some guys wrote this name and stuck it on his scooter. For a while nothing happened. But once the monthly test papers were over, he caught hold of the fellow and made him confess in front of the whole class. He caught the guy by comparing the handwriting of his answer sheet.

As he was really knowledgeable and used to answer all the questions asked by the students, some of the mischievous guys even made attempts to play tricks on him. They would go to the library and note down the names of some complex organic chemicals and would ask him to give the formulae of those chemicals, saying that it was asked in one of the competitive examinations. Thomas sir is too smart for such tricks. He would ask them to bring the question paper. You can guess..what would then happen. That question will never be asked again. Punctuality was another aspect he was strict about. He will not tolerate anyone coming late for the class. I was never late in his class. But somehow I was getting late that day. I could blame it on the monsoons. But, that I knew, was not a strong reason to be told to Thomas sir.

When I reached the tuition class, it was 8.45 AM. I was late by fifteen minutes. The whole premise of the tuition class was empty. All students were inside the classes. I put my cycle in the stand and locked it in a hurry. Then I ran towards my class. I was totally drenched and water oozed out of my dress and bag. With a trembling heart I steeped towards the class. Thomas sir was teaching as usual. He voice was not that audible as the rain drops falling on the asbestos roof of the classroom building outperformed him. When I stepped inside, he saw me. He stopped for a while, looked at his watch and continued teaching, totally ignoring me. I waited there for ten more minutes. Then he came towards me and asked

“Who are you? What do you want?”

There was sarcasm in his question. I was sure that he knew, I belonged to that class.

“Sorry sir..I was a bit late. This is the first time I am getting late. Otherwise I am punctual”

“No you cannot be in this class. If you were, you would have come on time. See all these students. They all were here when I entered the class. Why only you need a special treatment”

Ignoring me plea, he continued to take the class. Probably he expected that I will not stay there. But I did stay…with the dress still wet and water oozing out. After few more minutes, he asked everyone to take down the notes. Everyone opened up their notebooks and started scribbling down. I put my bag on the side of the classroom. Still standing near the entrance, I started writing the notes just like the others. When he noticed this, he came towards me. He stood right in front of me for a while. We both looked at each other. Then he broke the silence.

“Why were you late?”

“I got delayed in having breakfast. I won’t repeat this sir”

“Getting late for the breakfast is not the reason. You must have got up late. That’s why you had a late breakfast. Right?

“No sir..I got up early. But at home, only my father is there. We two are managing the house since couple of days”

“Why ..what happened to your mother? Do you have brothers or sisters?”

“My mom is in hospital sir. She was admitted with physical weakness. My sister is with her. Only me and my father are at home. But tomorrow onwards I would not get late sir”

“Don’t lie to me. You cannot escape from me with lies. That will not take you any further”. He said staring at my eyes.

“No sir..I am not lying. I am telling you the truth. I got delayed while preparing the breakfast”. I said with a fumbling voice.

“You prepared?? What did you prepare?

“I prepared bread omelet sir”.

There were whispers and giggles in the class. I don’t know what went through his mind. He must have seen many students telling lame excuses on various occasions. He is clever to find which is true and which is false. After thinking for a while, he said…

“Well.. if you are so much interested in attending my class, I will let you do so..but on one condition”

“Sure sir..I will come to your class on time from tomorrow onwards”. I said excitedly.

“Don’t jump the gun. I have not finished. I didn’t say the condition. Coming to my class on time is never a condition. Anytime you come after the class time, you will sit outside. You got me?”

“Sorry sir..”. I said, keeping my head down.

“If you want to sit in my class today, you can do that after answering the ten questions I would ask from previous chapters. If you answer all of them, you can sit in the class, else, door is that way”.

He said this and pointed his fingers towards the main door.

For a while I looked at the whole class. Everyone was looking at me. Girls were giggling and whispering while looking at me. I thought about the deal he is offering. I have nothing to loose. But if I can answer, that will be a morale boosting win. I said…

“Yes sir..I will take your questions”

Putting the textbook on the table, taking out his spectacles, he said to me, with a smile

“Remember the deal. You answer my ten questions, you are in. Even if one answer is incorrect, you won’t sit inside today. OK?

“Yes sir..I agree”. I said with a breaking voice.

“How many atoms of Oxygen are there in 12 grams of Oxygen?

Number of atoms equal to the Avogadro number sir.”

Instantly there were mild laughters. Then only Thomas sir could understand the reason behind the laughter. As usual, it was his ever favorite question and everyone knew it.

“Well.. you are right.. How much is one Avogadro number?

“6.023 into ten to the power of 23 sir.

Without giving time to think he kept on shooting questions. I answered all of them, except the last one. He asked for an exact definition he taught earlier. I could not tell that correctly.

“So…you know the verdict. If all the answers were right, you would have been in. But now……”

Since I knew how strict he is, I didn’t wait for appealing further. I lost the deal. So I closed my notebook, kept it inside my bag and started moving towards the main door.”

“Don’t go away like that. You lost the deal…and I won. The winner has the right to decide what to do with the looser. Well…I think.. you answered nine questions correctly. That clearly shows that you are a studious person. How can I deny you the chance to sit in the class? But if I let you in, though you lost the deal, you will think that you can fool me anytime like this. So I will let you sit in the class, but with a small punishment. Does that sound fine?

He asked this to the whole class. The students, who were already enjoying a drama, voted positively in agreement with sir.

“So the punishment is….you will sit on the girls’ side of the class for this period. You can get in.”

For many of my friends, it would have been a blessing in disguise to sit near girls. But for a shy person like me, that was a real punishment. Holding the bag, I scanned through the class. Except the middle bench, nowhere else there was an empty seat on the girl’s side. Girls were whispering with a naughty smile on their face. I felt my legs shivering. But that was just momentarily. I went straight to the middle seat and sat there. The girl on my side, moved as far as she could, as if she saw someone untouchable. Anyway, after a while I concentrated on the class. I forgot the drama happened few minutes back. I was really happy on the fact that, Thomas sir accepted me as a studious person in front of the whole class. That, I felt like a reward.

Perhaps that was the first day when he noticed me. Till that point, I was just one among the forty students. Students who caught his attention were either studious and extremely bright or mischievous people. I was in neither of these groups. That day, after the class, he took me to the staff room. For the first time, he talked to me personal matters. He asked my family status, details of parents etc. He assured me any kind of help in studies. That day I saw the softer side of Thomas sir, whom I had seen till then as a strict teacher only. I realized that he is strict just because he is sincere.

After two months, one day, he put a suggestion to all students. It was revision time for mid year examinations. He suggested that eight students should teach based on chapters covered by him so far. Everyone was supposed to teach for 15 minutes so that the two hour period can be covered. He would sit as an observer. He gave some selection of topics. Many front benchers and bright students opted for their favorite topics. I also volunteered to teach one topic. In fact the topic left out for me, was on the fundamentals of atomic theory. I prepared my best for the lecture. Even I spent some time in the library to look into new textbooks. On that day, my number was third in the sequence. When the time came, I went near black board and wrote the topic. I didn’t’ know how I talked for 15 minutes. My friends said I did well. Towards the end of the class, Thomas sir took some time to explain what everyone did good and bad. For me..the real recognition came after the whole class was over. While the students were dispersing, he asked me to stay back. Then he said

“You did extremely well. More than the topic covered, what I liked is the way you explained the fundamentals. I wish you would become a great teacher.”

That was one of the few rewards I have received in my whole life. Well.. life went on with its own pace. It stopped neither for me nor for anyone else. The two years I spent in the tuition centre became memorable days in my academic life. Thomas sir inspired me a lot in my life. I would have gone into the teaching line. In fact, I took chemistry as my subject for bachelor degree. The three years I studied Chemistry, I was clear in my mind that I would take up teaching as my profession. I thought of doing post graduation and then going for teacher’s training. But destiny had something else kept ready for me. The financial situation at home was not that great. Immediately after graduation, I felt the need of getting a job to give a helping hand to my father. His old age related problems and tensions due to the debts he had, took a tool on him and all of us in the family. It was then I decided to jump into competitive world of employment, keeping aside my dream job. I didn’t have any regret at that time. The sheer feeling of responsibility, helped me to keep a balance between what I can dream and what I should do. I wrote many probationary officer examinations for banks. Nothing could get me through. Finally I got selection as an Inspector of Police. From the world of atoms. Molecules and compounds, I marched straight into the world of law and order. There were no chemicals and formula to take up my time, instead, the tough world of criminals took me through. The world around me changed in all aspects. My responsibilities and life style changed. The job was demanding. The position was always under the scrutiny of public and media. But with god’s grace, I could do my job with the best of my capabilities.

For thirteen years I could not stay at one permanent place with my family. Though I knew that the job is transferable, I didn’t expect it to happen so often. I was transferred at least 10 times from north to south of Kerala. In that spree to relocate and settle, I really forgot to keep some relations intact…like some friends, relatives, and Thomas sir too. I lost contact with him after my graduation. On my fourteenth year of service, I had to go to a residential colony in Kottayam, the district where I was posted then. That was for an investigation related to a property dispute between two people in the area under my jurisdiction. I went to the house of the complainant to see the truth myself. The house owner was in his thirties, might have been slightly younger than me. Without wasting much time, I started the usual way of investigation. The house owner cooperated with me throughout. When I was about to finish and return, he offered me a cup of coffee. Usually I do not accept anything like that If I am on official duty. But, somehow I accepted his offer. While he went inside to get me coffee, I just scanned through the living room of that house. Of the many decorative items and photographs which adorned the walls, one photograph of a guy with large moustache and thick black spectacles caught my attention. Immediately I could recognize that face. Though we didn’t have contacts with each other for many years, Thomas sir was still in my memory. I could spot him instantly. When the house owner came with the coffee, I asked him.

“Who is that in this photograph? Is his name Thomas Daniel? “

“Yes sir, his is Thomas Daniel..my father. Do you know him?”.

“He was my teacher during college days”. But he was in Trivandrum that time. Where is he now?. I asked with excitement.

“He is here only. He retired couple of years back and came here to stay with me. He is not that well nowadays. Doctors have advised bed rest for him”.

I could not stop my excitement on hearing that. I was not sure whether he will remember me. He must have taught many many students. It may be difficult to remember every name and face. But still I asked the house owner.

“if you don’t mind, can I see him for few minutes? It would be a great pleasure to meet him after long time”.

“Of course,..sir, not a problem at all. Nowadays he doesn’t have many visitors. He would be happy too..”

He led me through the living room and a corridor into a room, where an old man was lying. Some books were kept opened on a table near his bed. On hearing the footsteps, he opened his eyes and turned his head towards us. His son, introduced me

“Papa..this is Mr. Akhil, the inspector in our area. He says you had taught him in the college days. He wanted to meet you”

I moved towards his bed. Thomas sir, wore his thick black framed glass. After looking into my eyes for few minutes, he spoke to me in a frail voice..

“ahh…I remember you Akhil.. I will not forget the ten questions I asked you on that day you were late. The first question was about Avogadro’s number …am I right??

While asking this he took my hands in his palms. I could feel his hands shivering due to old age. I said with a smile

“Yes sir…you still remember everything?”

“Yes my child..I remember every bit of those days. You might have forgotten. I am sad to see that you could not be a teacher. I could see a great teacher in you. But at the same time, I am happy to know that you are into a good position in state service. Life is like that sometimes. Man proposes…god disposes”

I must have sat near his bed for a while. We exchanged lot of personal matters. I promised to visit again and keep in touch. When I finally got up, he asked me.

“ Akhil..do you know the specialty of today?”

“No sir…I couldn’t think of anything special for today. What is it?” I asked with a perplexed face.

“Today is teacher’s day. Your visit is a pleasant gift to me on this day. Though I have not told you explicitly, you are one of my favorite students. For a teacher, what else could be a better gift than a visit by a favorite student? God bless you dear”

The birthday party

Vacations are always good. Refreshing and relaxing. The only difficult part is to bring back the rhythm of the office work after a long vacation. This time also it was not different.

Nearly after two years of hectic work schedule, I took a month long vacation. On the first Sunday of April, I left Mumbai and went to my hometown in Kerala with my wife Meera and daughter Aparna. As usual, the vacation was over in the blink of an eye. I met my old friends, relatives, and explored new places. It was a month of total relaxation and fun.

Deliberately I didn’t use my cell phone while on vacation. I kept it off most of the time. Otherwise I would be opening the floodgates of calls from my clients, who would demand almost everything in a short time. As a service delivery manager, I am supposed to rise beyond the expectations of my clients...always.

I woke up very early that day. I reached office by seven in the morning. As expected, I was greeted by a big pile of E-mails, requiring my immediate attention. After having a quick glance through them and few brief meetings with my manager, I was fully engaged with the piled up work. Though many people came to greet me, I didn’t spend too much time with them. I was neck deep with work load. What a wonderful reception after vacation!

I had to skip lunch. After finishing the most urgent jobs, when I looked at my watch, it was 4.45 PM. I could hardly realize how time slipped away. I closed the files kept on my table and stepped out of my cubicle to stretch my legs. The work area outside was almost empty.

‘Where all these people have gone?’

I wondered. It was an unusual scene in the office at 5 PM. Usually the whole workforce would be present till 7.PM at least. Then I saw our accountant Gopi rushing towards the main door. On seeing me he asked

‘Hey Ajay. Are you not coming for the party?’

‘Which party?’ I yelled

As it was the first day after vacation, I was yet to catch up with the office life. I had no clue which party Gopi was talking about

‘C’mon Ajay. Look at your mail box. It’s Freddy’s daughter’s birthday party. The whole office must be there. I am already late for it. If you join..I will see you there.’

Without explaining further Gopi went out in a hurry. As the door slammed behind him, I stood there bit agitated.

Freddy...he is my best friend in office. Also, my buddy since college days. Why didn’t he invite me for the birthday party? Intentionally he won’t do that for sure. I thought of calling him to complain. I took my cell phone and dialled his number.

‘Hi Freddy..How are you my friend?’

‘I am fine Ajay. Where have you been? I guess you simply disappeared for a while. I have been trying to contact you since many days’

‘Are you seeking an anticipatory bail for not inviting me for your daughter’s birthday?’. I said to tease Freddy.

‘C’mon Ajay. Do you think I can miss you? Do you think Grace would miss to invite you? Your phone was switched off whenever I tried. Also..for the party..I sent out e-mails to everyone. I am sure you must not have seen the mail. ‘

‘Buddy..I was just kidding..trying to pull your legs. I was on a month long vacation. Most of the time, I was cut off from the outside world as I kept my phone off. I joined today only. Definitely didn’t see all the mails. By the way whose’ birthday is today.? Marias’ or Nikitas’?

There was complete silence for few seconds. Then Freddy said

‘Ajay..Its Maria’s birthday. Party is not a big one. But I called everyone in our office. Apart from them, Maria’s close friends and some of our relatives...that’s all. Anyway..You please don’t look for any excuses and come here immediately. I want here buddy’

‘Ok Ok. I will be there in 45 minutes if the traffic is not so bad. See you there’. I said and disconnected the phone.

As I was already late, I couldn’t buy any gifts for Maria. I thought I will buy her a gift some other day, when I would visit Freddy with my family. Freddy is my extended family. His wife Grace and my wife Meera are best friends too. Maria and Nikita, his daughters, were very font of me. Maria really liked the little magic tricks I used to show her. So she nicknamed me as ‘magic uncle.’

When I reached the old fashioned apartment in Santacruz west, there were no one at Freddy’s house. Though I repeatedly pushed the calling bell no one answered. I called Freddy again

‘Freddy..I am in front of your house. But it seems no one is inside. Where is the party? Is it not held here?’

‘Ajay..it’s here only. Come to the ground floor club house. If you can’t find out, ask the watchman. He will direct you. ‘

As I walked towards the club house, I could hear the noises of children playing around. Some melodious english songs were heard in the air. Someone was playing them on a piano. There were many colour balloons and other decorative materials placed all over the entrance and the hall. Inside, in big fluorescent letters it was written on the wall

“Happy Birthday Maria”

‘Wow..beautiful!’ I said to myself. I was amazed to see the vibrant colours filling the surroundings in that nice evening. Happiness seemed to be radiating everywhere. My eyes searched for Freddy. I saw him talking to some of his guests at the corner of the hall. I saw many familiar faces too. After exchanging greetings with them, I walked towards Freddy.

‘Freddy..sorry for being late. I couldn’t get any gift for Maria this time. I am coming straight from office. But don’t worry .. I will bring her a cute present this weekend.

Freddy had a pale smile. He came close and hugged me.

‘Thanks for coming Ajay. Our family missed you a lot.’ Freddy whispered.

‘One month of mummy’s food at home. Have I become fatty? I asked him with a smile.

‘Not at all. You are the same, as you were before.’

‘Where is Grace? Where is the birthday girl? At least I can give her a birthday hug and kiss. I said. My eyes started looking for Maria.

Freddy didn’t answer me. He just started at me. I saw his lips trembling. His eyes seemed wet. I could sense something wrong in his eyes. After all he is my best friend. I can recognize his feelings from his facial expressions.

‘Freddy..Is everything OK?. I guess it is not. It seems .. You are definitely not in a mood of a birthday celebration. Tell me.. Is there anything bothering you?

Freddy put his hands on my shoulder, closed his eyes and bowed his head down.

‘Maria..Is she OK? I asked Freddy in a low voice. My voice was already breaking.

I wanted to ask Freddy again about Maria and the uneasiness I saw on his face. Before I could speak, another loud voice grabbed my attention. It was reverend father Isaac of the Santacruz catholic church.

‘My dear sons and daughters..Let me welcome all of you on this wonderful evening. You all know the reason why we have gathered here. We are here to celebrate our beloved Maria’s birthday. Many of you might have been surprised by the invitation letter sent by Freddy and Grace last week. I was surprised too. Since I started serving God, I have never seen a birthday party invitation like that. It is truly special and different from all such birthday parties I have attended. ..A birthday party for a person who is really special...a person who is no more with us.

Three weeks back, we all gathered in Freddy’s home to bid farewell and give last kisses to our beloved angel..Maria. It was not leukaemia that took her away from us. God almighty loved that child very much. It was his decision to summon her. He wants her beside his thrown. That’s why she left us. Today..I want to share something about Maria with you.

During her last moments, Maria wrote a small and beautiful letter to her parents. If you read it, you will realize that how close she was to God and how wise and intelligent she was. She has expressed great thoughts in that letter which shows a maturity much beyond what a girl of her age can show.’

Father Isaac paused for few moments. I was shocked on hearing that Maria is no more. A deep sadness engulfed me. Maria, Freddy’s nine year old daughter, was a leukaemia patient. It was diagnosed two years back. Since then the family had been trying to cope up with her frequent hospitalizations. In spite of the treatments the disease progressed. Few months back doctors told Freddy that Maria made good progress by responding very well to the treatment. That came as a light at the end of the tunnel. I remember sharing Freddy’s happiness on hearing about Maria’s recovery.

What could have gone wrong since then? Was the initial recovery just a temporary retreat of her illness? What happened when I was on vacation? So many questions popped up in front of me. But then..Why is this birthday party?. As I stood there in utter disbelief, I saw father Isaac taking a piece of paper from his pocket and holding it in front of his thick black framed specks. It was Maria’s last letter he mentioned. Father Isaac read that letter for everyone.

‘Dear papa and mamma

I often see angels in my dreams. Sometimes I see myself sitting beside Jesus. He blesses me, runs his hand on my hair and smiles at me. I no more feel the weakness caused by my illness and medicines. I am feeling good papa. I think I am going to his place.

After I am gone, will you cry for me? Please don’t. Please be happy for me, as I am going to be with Jesus.

Papa...if I make a request... will you do it for me? I know you will. You had always fulfilled my wishes.

If I don’t make it to my tenth birthday..Would you celebrate that with all my friends and loved ones? But papa..As seen in memorial prayers, I don’t want anyone to cry for me. I don’t want anyone to wear black and white dresses. I want everyone to wear colourful dresses and be happy. Ask Janet and Jincy to wear that pink middy and top. . I like that dress very much .Papa..You wear that dark brown coat. You would look handsome. Mamma.. You should come in that long red skirt. You always looked great in that. Put a lot of colour balloons everywhere in the room. Also please ask Nisha aunty to play my favourite songs on keyboard. Don’t forget to light ten candles on a big chocolate cake. If I make it to my tenth birthday, that’s how I would like to celebrate.

If I am not there..Please tell everyone not to cry for me. Let everyone laugh and be happy. Will that be difficult papa? If I am with Jesus, that would be a real blessing for me. Then why shouldn’t everyone be happy?

I am feeling lighter and happier now. The needle pricks are no more painful. I feel like being carried through the silky clouds by angels. All around me I see smiling faces only. As I walked with Jesus, I saw grandpa too.

Papa..I love you a lot. Mamma..I love you too. Nikita is very naughty..Tell her that I love her so much. Please don’t feel like missing me. I would be with Jesus and you all forever.

Loving you a lot

Hugs and kisses

Maria.

There was pin drop silence in the club house. I saw few people covering their faces and wiping tears. Some kind of unexplainable sadness conquered me. I felt I may cry. Father Isaac continued.

‘Dear sons and daughters..This kid’s letter was an eye opener for me. She taught me a better way of dealing with the loss of someone dear and near. Look at the way she envisioned her last moments. She wrote this letter the same night she left us.

When we lose our beloved ones..What do we do? We mourn the vacuum they leave in our lives. We leave ourselves at the mercy of time to heal the wounds that we inflict on ourselves. But look at Maria. She looks at the imminent death in a different way. She realized it as the culmination of her journey in earth before she returns to the god’s abode. She had no doubt about her re union with Jesus in heaven. She is really a blessed kid. She had a strong faith in Jesus. See what she wants from us. She wants all of us to be happy. She doesn’t want a single tear drop from our eyes for her. I am happy to have known an angel like her. I am happy to have spent so much time seeing her smile with us. She reminds us that death is inevitable..If not today.. Tomorrow. Then why to be sad..Especially if the final destination is the god’s abode. I am sure Maria is looking at us from heaven. Let us celebrate her birthday exactly the same way she wished. ‘

I was standing near Freddy. I held his hands in mine. Though he tried to bring a smile on his face, I knew he was struggling. Marias’ best friends Janet and Jincy came forward to cut the birthday cake. Everybody sang in unison

“Happy birthday to you..Happy birthday to you...

Happy birthday dear Maria..Happy birthday to you.

All the kids came forward to get their share of the cake. The sober air was then filled with giggles and laughter. Then Nisha Jacob, the Sunday school teacher, started playing some melodies on the keyboard. All of them were Marias’ favourite devotional songs

In one corner of the hall, Freddy’s wife Grace was wiping her eyes with a scarf. She looked beautiful in her long red skirt. She was leaning on to someone’s shoulder. Though she tried to put up a brave face with a smile, I could see her breaking up very often. So was Freddy. It was not an easy deal. When I hugged him once more..I felt his rapid heartbeats. He was crying then. For a while I didn’t stop him. After few minutes I said

‘Freddy.. Cheer up. There in heaven, Maria won’t be feeling happy if you cry. You have to fulfil her last wish. I know it is hard. ..It’s easy for me to preach. But you need to do it. Like you always fulfilled her wishes..C’mon..Wipe your eyes...smile and be happy. Let her see you with a smiling face’

It took some time for Freddy to control his grief. He looked into my eyes. After hugging me he said.

‘Thanks Ajay...thanks a lot for being with me. Your presence was really strengthening me.’

‘Freddy...you are my best friend. You don’t have to thank me’. I said

By nine all the guests were gone. I was the only one remaining. I spent some time with Freddy and Grace. I didn’t speak anything. We communicated through the silence prevailed there. Then it was time for me to leave. I put my hands on Freddy’s shoulders and said

‘Freddy..I feel proud to have known Maria. Be proud that you are her father. Be happy that she is with Jesus. Her presence would be here with all of us forever. .I will leave now. Tomorrow I will come with Meera. Go and sleep now .You guys need some rest. ‘

As I walked towards the taxi stand, I looked up to the starlit sky. It was like a full moon day. The black shades on the yellowish moon resembled the silhouette of a girl walking with an old man..With a long beard.

‘Is that Maria? ...or I am under hallucination?’ I wondered while getting into the taxi

May god bless him ...

Who wants to live forever? I doubt anyone will wish for such a “boon” .

Who wants to have a longer life ( of course not for ever..but may be up to a 100 years? )…may be many of us will wish to live up to that age.Don't you?

At times, I ask this question myself..How long I want to live? . Well…my answers change according to my mood, the mental state I am in, the stress level I fight ..and so many other factors. When I am extremely happy, I think of living a long life, having a small retirement home near a river side, surrounded by big big trees, retiring from professional life and entering into some sort of philanthropic roles and enjoying each and every moment with my wife, kids, friends and family..wahh..what a dream.

Then there are times when the hurdles in life and stressful thoughts become impediments for any such positive thoughts. May be it is at such times, the devil’s workshop starts functioning. Then the answer to the question would be … i want to die now..right now..not even a moment more.

But then after few moments, when I come back to a stable mood, I realize that my answer was nothing but stupidity..it is escapism of a coward , wishing to bypass the hurdles in life and seeking relaxation even at the cost of life….what a foolish thought..

Yes..Life is too precious. The only one life each of us is bestowed with ..is to be lived in full capacity. It's roads might be filled with thorns and beds of roses in many places. All we need to take that journey is the courage to travel through all those paths until the last breath.. not regretting even for a moment.

Well… one may ask..why this guy ( otherwise normal ) has become philosophical all of a sudden? depression? Frustration?

No...There is a different reason.. I spoke to my cousins sister yesterday. She was attending her father who is battling for his life at a hospital in Kerala. For more than a year, he has been struggling with motor neuron disease, which has slowly degenerated his nerves.. bringing down his ability to move, speak , eat and breath . The only things the dreadful disease could not bring down are his willpower, positive spirits and the desire to get back to a normal life.

I respect him a lot. A very knowledgeable man, who had to travel through a treacherous path is life, unfortunately. He is a god fearing and caring person. He has high aspirations for his daughters and their future.

Last one month has been even more painful for him. Mostly he was admitted in ICU and he was breathing with the help of a ventilator. After trying everything the medical science could do, the doctors said not to keep any hopes. The family anticipated the worst and informed all his fiends and relatives. As per the doctors, people of his condition do not make it longer after being in ICU,.. that too with a ventilator. But he proved hem wrong. He is back in the hospital room, breathing with the help of some portable – ventilator like instrument. Though he is physically reduced to almost nothing, he is fully conscious of everything happening around him.

He communicates only through some gestures using his fingers. Only his wife and daughters understand that language of communication. That makes even a stay inside the ICU very dangerous…as the nurses or doctors inside cannot understand that sign language. Some one has to be with him , constantly awake, looking at each gesture he makes..

My sister said… “in spite of all these struggles, not even once, dad said he doesn’t want to live. He still feels that he would be able to get back to life. He feels that he has not lived life like he wanted to “

Those words, touched my heart like anything. I kept on thinking of the situation.

It seems like the journey is getting over.. but the journey is not fully enjoyed..the clock is ticking.. the unavoidable departure is staring into the eyes.. .. doesn’t know whom to ask for extending the journey by even few more hours..

Isn’t the situation hard...? It is a hard situation for everyone. For him, the worsening disease is dampening his hopes to fight back. For the family.. the harsh reality is spreading clouds over the hopes..they are reaching a point where its becoming hard for them to see him struggle.. for the doctors, it is hard to tell the relatives to take him out of the life supporting devises and end his struggle. They know that even with a remote chance of survival, life ahead would be extremely painful..

What should I wish for ? Oh God..please help him fight back? Or ..God..please call him at your abode? I do not know.

I didn’t know how to comfort my sister…I struggled even to get proper words.

All I said to her was..to be by his side.. be brave to face the situation.

Even now , the words mentioned by her, resonates in my ears…the words that reflect how precious the life is

Oh God.. please help him in his struggle…whatever may be your way of helping him..we are no one to ask for that choice.you make the choice..but please help him.

Jose

Bangalore

6-may-2010