Life goes on

Last week on highway

By the side of my old home

A speeding car knocked down a young man.

As the people looked terrified,

The speeding car vanished,

Leaving a young girl to cry.

She stood by her husband’s,

Motionless body,

Shedding the teardrops for him.

But next day by morning

The same road looked normal,

Life there was flowing as usual.

People moved as if,

Nothing ever happened,

Except for the young man’s widow.

I too then realized,

The world would be like that,

And life would flow just like before.

This week on highway

I saw one more car crash

Near to my workplace in downtown.

It took one life at once,

Three men were wounded,

Leaving a household in pain.

Then also I realized,

Nothing ever changes,

Life would flow just like before.

Nothing ever changes

And nothing will be changing

Life would flow just like before

One who lost something

Would cry for a short while

But they too would move on in life

Life is a journey

Full of surprises

It’ll always flow just like before

( A poem I wrote in 2017 September after I heard about a car crash near my office. )

If I had a time machine

As I scanned through the pile of

pictures and videos

taken a few years back,

I realized with sadness,

most of the events captured in

those beautiful pictures,

were not even in my memory.

wonderful times I spent

with my sweetheart,

times when I kept my ears

on her bulging belly,

to listen to our baby's moves,

giggles and blabbering of

our newborn child,

first words she uttered,

the way she crawled on the floor,

I could vaguely only recall them,
after seeing the pictures.

Time, age, stress and what not,

are perhaps taking a toll on

my memories.

Is it burdens of life and

unpleasant incidents

taking the place of good memories?

May be yes..may be not,

I do not know.

Then I prayed to god,

wish I have a time machine.

Time is flying very fast,

with its unstoppable journey,

it has erased some part of my

precious memories too;

Oh god..can I walk back in time?

To a time when I had more friends,

To a time when blood relations were not sour,

to a time when I walked the roads

 holding my moms hands,

Went to cinemas with my father

whom I could have loved

more than i did actually.

Please give me one more chance

to feel those moments once again.

I want to go back

to a time when I said something

or did something,

which I shouldn't have done in first place,

and undo what I did.
Please give me one more chance

to make those life corrections.

If only I have a time machine..

I know I am asking for

something  impossible to do.

But oh god you know,

I am just wishing

as there are no limits to do so.

Masquerade

We pretend it’s not there as no one asks
Yet, we all do wear a mask.
We behave as if we are what others see
Yet, over our faces we wear many masks you see.
From time to time we masquerade,
pick and choose the masks we need,
for no one sees us truly as we are!!

By how we show up at our work place
people often fail to see the conflicts
we hide deep in our minds
for what we show is our masked face.

Back at home with the people we love,
as father, mother, son or daughter
husband, wife, uncle or aunt,
we hide the struggles of our work place
for what we show is our masked face.


While we are with our beloved friends
we might open our hearts wide.
Yet, cleverly a part of it we do hide,
like an iceberg on the sea,
for what we show is a masked face.


But while in our solitudes,
within the confinement of our walls,
within the comforts of our own privacy,
we stand out as who we really are,
with no masks to masquerade.

If those walls had eyes and ears,
they could see we’ve been hiding for years,
an aching heart which they could comfort
and stop the tears from our moist eyes,
see us without judging eyes,
perhaps like our best friends do.

How much a better place this world would be,
if all our masks we could rip off 
and show our faces all clear and true
without any inhibitions of who
would judge or comment on us next.
But, it seems like a dream impossible,
for these masks are nothing but a,
part of you, me and all of us.
we have no choice but keep them till we die
we have no choice but keep them till we die.

Love forever

I liked this girl who was beautiful and little shy

She lived in a house by the riverside in downtown

Blown by her smile, sunned by her looks, I said to me, I am in love

She used to wear a blue satin ribbon on her hair

Mostly I saw her in white shoes and scarlet red skirt

She looked like an angel who came down to tell me what’s love

With every move and beautiful smile, she stole my heart for ever

One day I asked her to come with me to the dance floor

Using her hands, she said she couldn’t hear what I said

She was dumb and was deaf so couldn’t know what I told her

Still with her smile, still with her charm, she stole my heart forever.

One day she came to me, held my hands, and her eyes spoke

She pulled me to dance floor and started to dance by my side

Laughing and holding her I danced with her for the whole night

In that night, the moonlit night, we pledged to live together

Six decade passed by she gave me a beautiful life

She was my Mary my beautiful friend  and my wife

When she was dying, she took my hands close to her heart

Still with the charm, her eyes spoke to me, I kissed her for one last time

Now in my solitude, there comes those sweet memories

To help me to sail through the rest of my lonely life

Mary your sweet smile is still charming me in my mind

Loving you dear, my only love, I love you for ever

Jose Varghese

9-3-2019

Written and composed by me in March 2019. My nephew Varun Rajesh played keyboard and I sang it in an attempt to record it.

Reflections of the COVID-19 Times

It has been a while since I made the last post here. Unfortunately the time I decided to come back here is a traumatic time for the whole world. We are all participating in a big fight against the corona virus. This post is my reflection on this fight since the last two months.

The beginning

In the last few weeks, I participated in two nationwide events as per the request of our honorable prime minister Narendra Modi. First one was by clapping for five minutes, standing at the balcony of my house, to honor our health care workers fighting the deadly COVID-19 and the second one by lighting a candle to symbolically chase away darkness looming over the country and the world. While I stood in my balcony along with my family during both events, I was overwhelmed with sadness and anxiety. I wished my participation along with my fellow countrymen was for some celebration of victory or some other happy occasion. But it was not. While I was still standing there in the comforts of my balcony, I remembered for a moment, thousands of my fellow countrymen who are not fortunate enough to stand comfortably and participate in those nation-wide events. I also got reminded of the fact that, though human race can boast of sending remote controlled vehicles to the edge of our solar system, scale new heights in every aspects of our life though scientific discoveries, perform miracles through artificial intelligence, a small microorganism, an unseen enemy, could bring humans to their knees, make powerful nations scream and shiver and make the whole world run for life. I have realized and accepted the fact that I am now living in unprecedented times with unheard incidents happening. Life would be different after we get over this crisis for sure.

I was in the Hyatt Regency hotel in Trinidad in the month of January 2020 when I first heard about the corona outbreak in the city of Wuhan in China. At that time, I too had developed severe cough due to my hectic travel schedules. The Physician whom I met there, prescribed medicines and comforted me that what I have is a normal sore throat. Just to be safe, I wanted to get some face masks during my return to India. A colleague took me to almost all medical shops in Trinidad to look for face masks. At that time, COVID-19 has not spread to the whole world. Perhaps due to that reason I didn’t get any mask in Trinidad. Fortunately, another colleague who had a stock of face masks provided me a pack of them. While I traveled through the airports wearing the mask, I could see some people staring at me as I was one of the very few people wearing it at that time. When I reached Gatwick airport on my transit, I saw security personal loudly conveying to their colleagues standing far away, pointing to me that “he is coming from Trinidad. Its OK”. They were confirming that I am not coming from any COVID-19 affected regions.

The spread

Over the next two weeks, the world was already on its way to change to the current condition we see all around. Fear and anxiety were growing slowly. Some countries started taking things seriously while for others it was still a trivial issue like a seasonal flu. I had another business travel coming up in the Netherlands. My family was very much afraid of letting me go. I was in a dilemma too. Should I surrender to the fear or should I perform my duty? The day I was supposed to travel, the first COVID-19 case was reported in the Netherlands. That triggered my decision to cancel my trip which was supported by my manager as well as senior colleagues, which now I consider as a good decision I took. Since then, COVID-19 cases and mortalities in the Netherlands have reached very high, which is alarming especially for a small country like it.

At the time of writing this note, in April, the world is completely in a different situation. One after another the nations are fighting this unseen enemy. Death toll in every country is going northwards. Heart melting stories are heard from every corner of the world. The initial days I was inundated with this type of scary news from all around.  World Health Organization correctly coined this overdose of information as “Infodemic” which definitely had an impact on the mental health for me and people around me. It was depressing to hear all negative news throughout. It was acting as a catalyst to accelerate the rise in anxiety levels in me.

 Every time I read or watch news on COVID-19 related causalities, see the suffering of fellow human beings around the globe, hear the plight of daily laborers whose only route for getting their income is stopped by the country wide lock down in India, I thank the superpower whom people identify with various names – the almighty, for

• My family and I are healthy and safe from any deadly infections.
• My friends and colleagues whom I know are healthy.
• I can work from the comfort of my home and to do that, I have a job and I have a shelter- a home.
• Even with the limited supply of groceries and essentials, my family and I are not starving for food.
• My family and I have meals three-time a day and sound sleep.
• Till today I didn’t have to worry about my salary as I get it regularly even at this troubled time.
• I am in my own country where the government is putting up the best efforts to fight this deadly disease.

My reflections

Nowadays the media is flooded with facts, figures, charts and analysis of COVID-19 situations around the world. I am familiar with the bar charts, histograms, cumulative distribution charts and trend analysis of oil and gas related subsurface data as part of my job. Now I am looking at similar visuals on data related to COVID-19 infection around the globe, which constantly puts the question to my mind – when will this be over?

When I look at those charts and figures, I try not to see them just as statistical data, but as reflections of the plight of my fellow human beings everywhere around me.

• Someone dying in the hospital beds and getting cremated without even getting last rites.
• Someone going to the hospital, leaving the family of dear and near, not knowing whether he or she will be able to come back to them.
• All those health care workers risking their own life and the life of their family and come forward everyday to take care of the COVID-19 patients in hospitals.
• People getting ostracized by their fellow human beings due to social stigma and fear associated with COVID-19.
• Daily laborers who have no means to make both ends meet and feed self and the people dependent on them.
• People who made plans for future, had dreams of a bright tomorrow, but within few days those plans gone haywire and dreams snatched away from them.

While I stand by the decisions taken by our honorable prime minster to lock down the country, the collateral damages it has already brought to the country and country men are perhaps beyond what my small brain can imagine. All I can hope is that the best brains in my country and elsewhere are already into action to limit these collateral damages and look for a way forward.

What it taught me

Though it is all negativity around, the current situation has taught me few things.

Resource utilization: As part of my job I analyze the utilization of human resources. But at home, I have not been critically looking into the optimum utilization of resources, be it food items, groceries, vegetables, snacks and even cloths. Everything was available in plenty and thankfully all my needs were within my buying capacity. Now the situation is different. Though my buying capacity has not changed, what is available to me is limited. Food items and daily essentials needed are rationed. Going out to buy grocery is to be considered only if it is essential. Weekend shopping used to be a family outing till few weeks back. Now I have adapted to the changed situation. As a hardcore non-vegetarian, I used to eat a lot of chicken and used to dine out frequently. But I have successfully transformed to a full vegetarian for about five weeks, though it was forced upon me. Food items which I used to avoid, as I never had taste for it, I eat them now without complaints. I have survived so far without any of those food items I am crazy about. I see value in everything I disliked. For me what is important is to sail through the lock down period (may be beyond) with what I have. I want to minimize the exposure my family and I can have by going out unnecessarily to buy things.

Realizing the value of every small item: Everyday when the delivery boys bring the stuff I have ordered online, I go towards the front door of my house with lot of anxiety and nervousness. Did they deliver the stuff I needed? or they cancelled it due to lack of stock? Once I see the ordered stuff in front of my door, I grab them with the same enthusiasm a treasure hunter might have when discovering a hidden treasure, he was dying to discover. I had this feeling when one crate of eggs was delivered to my home two weeks back. The last stock of eggs was utilized to make homemade cake for my daughter’s birthday which we celebrated with everything made at home.

Realizing the fear factor around: Paranoia and stigma have no relation to education or social status. People get paranoid easily. They don’t hesitate to stigmatize fellow humans. Surprisingly even the educated people do that. In the initial days of this pandemic itself when my daughter and wife were going down in the lift and when my daughter sneezed, an elderly person in the lift asked seriously “where is your mask?”. At that time people have not started wearing masks as a habit. Viral infection has not even crossed double digits in India by then. But still the fear factor was slowly creeping into people’s mind. Now all are afraid of touching newspaper, doorknobs, lift buttons, vegetables, grocery items and anything that comes from external hands. My everyday morning ritual is to wash the milk packets in soap water to disinfect them. Same rituals I apply for vegetables and grocery packets. I start to wonder; how fearful we all are about the little unseen enemy- a virus. Two weeks ago, rumor mills were constantly working to spread the fear by mentioning which flat or house in the apartment complex has COVID-19 patients. I feared that soon people might start labeling others with a strange and hostile mindset. Thankfully we didn’t reach that stage and people started behaving in a more civilized manner.

Lies, Hoaxes, and min-information: Social media has been at its best with people educating friends, colleagues and relatives about COVID-19, methods to cure and prevent the disease and even finding humor at this time of crisis. Initially I also used to enjoy those humors, trolls and memes. At times I used to forward them to people in my contact list as well. Then one day I received a thought-provoking message from someone. It said, “you will find the humor in these COVID-19 jokes until either you or someone you love is affected by COVID-19”. It was really a disturbing but eye-opening message. Since then I stopped forwarding such COVID-19 jokes to anyone. I also started to disregard any forwarded messages from unreliable or unauthentic sources which might be hoaxes and could be instrumental is instigating communal disharmony and fear. Some people forward messages with good intent but not realizing that it is a hoax message or fake news. Now I think thrice before pushing the forward button on any such messages I receive. I also try to do a fact check through some reliable internet resources before I believe such news.

Do it yourself: In a typical Indian household, if one day the maid servant does not come, hell may break out. People are dependent on the house maids to do many chores at home like mopping and cleaning of the room, washing the utensils, dusting the windows and even cooking. I too have a maid. Managing one or two days of her absence was not a difficult thing. But is it manageable for a prolonged period? It was beyond the imagination for my wife and me. But this little virus taught us the fact that managing our own house by distributing the household chores between me and my wife is not an impossible task. I could happily experiment by taking up the role of the maid servant to wash the utensils, cleaning the house with vacuum cleaner, even enjoy cooking some delicious food items as a cook. It reminded me of my days as a bachelor, when I used to do everything in my house all by myself.

Last thoughts

May be the best positive side of all these developments under the lock-down period, is the good amount of time I am able to spend with my wife and my daughter. Again when I say this, I should thankfully remember the millions of health care workers who are at the front line of the battle and the enforcement agency people who are fighting hard to implement measures to curb the spread of the virus, as they are not having the luxury of working from home and the good amount of personal time with family, like I have.

The grossly underestimated little virus has spread its grip all over the world. It didn’t spare anyone by looking into race, caste, religion, gender, financial status, social status, or geographical boundaries. When the world is going through the lock down and quarantine, it is proving that the greatest threat to our environment is the human beings only. The way we utilize the nature’s resources, and the way we pollute and strain our environment are causing irreparable damages. Nature has proven again that to bring the human beings with “I know everything” attitude or “nothing can beat me “attitude, to their knees, all it needs is just a microorganism which can’t be even seen.

Again, I wonder. When this struggle will be over. In the deep corners of my mind, the pessimist is getting worried and shoot up lot of questions continuously.

• Are the precautions I take good enough to protect me and my family from COVID-19?
• How is this going to impact my ability to travel and meet my dear and near ones who are far away from me?
• How am I going to respond to any family emergency that can come up?
• As the whole world is facing a turmoil, how this will impact my job, my career, the quality of life for me and my wife in the future, quality of life I dream for my daughter?
• Will there be job cuts or pay cuts?
• What will happen to my hard-earned money?
• How different the post COVID-19 world would be from the pre COVID-19 world?

I know that no one will be able to help me with answers to these questions. These things are beyond anyone’s expertise. I will take the predictions made by the pundits and statistical experts on how things will turn out, with a pinch of salt only. I will have to wait patiently and perhaps painfully for the time to tell me the answers.

But the optimist in me push me to look at the things in a different way. This pandemic has brought some behavioral changes in people worldwide. Though the effect may be temporary, it is heartening to see the reduction in air, water and noise pollution levels. I read reports about wild animals roaming freely on country roads as they try to reclaim their lost habitat. Air quality in many cities have improved considerably. I do not know how long this can be sustained. Time will only tell that.  Just like many other pandemics humans had won over, we will win against corona virus as well. Scientists and researchers across the globe are marching ahead on their mission to defeat the virus. I hope there will be a vaccine soon. Later generations in their textbooks will read about the heroic fight put up by our generation with COVID-19. Though I am not at the battle front, I too am participating in the fight by not venturing out, following the instructions given by the government and health care agencies on social distancing, to arrest the spreading of the disease. I am sure there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

I sincerely hope the human beings will understand the futility of fighting over geographical boundaries, religion, money and everything that is responsible for the calamities in this world. A big tragedy of this magnitude is happening perhaps to make us realize that none of these can help us when our health is affected severely. What is needed is love for each other, mindset to look after each other, irrespective of color, gender, religion, cast, and judicious utilization of nature’s precious resources.

Like John Lennon sang about a beautiful world in his iconic song “Imagine”, I wish the Post COVID-19 world is a better place to live than what we have now.

Signing off with everlasting optimism

Jose Varghese

13^th April 2020

My First letter to my daughter

My dearest daughter Joanna

Welcome to this world and to our family. Through this letter I just want to tell you how much me and your mummy wished for you. I want to tell you how eagerly we all were waiting for you. I know you are too young to understand all these. But I am sure, one day you will read this and understand.

one of your early ultra sound image

When I first got the news that your mummy is carrying, I was far away from her. I was studying rocks and mountains in Ireland, as a part of my job. That’s when your mummy called me and said, we are going to have a baby in nine months time. You know Joanna, that was a news I wished to hear for so long. When I came back and took your mummy to the hospital, the doctor congratulated me and your mummy for the good news and showed your first ultrasound scan image. You were so small like a bead. Can you imagine the

happiness we had on seeing that vague ultrasound image with some tiny bead like structure in it? We started weaving so many colourful dreams about you since then.

I used to get impatient at times. I felt the time was  moving very slow. I wanted to see you and hold you in my hands at the earliest. But then I also realised that god’s plans for a nine month period in your mother’s womb is very much needed for your growth. Then I would control my impatience and go back to my dreams.

The experiences me and your mummy had during that nine months period, were beautiful and we consider them as blessings from the almighty. Like, the joy in counting the days for your arrival, watching your mummy’s tummy grow, touching her belly, feeling your tiny movements inside your mummy’s belly and wondering whether it is your head or hands or legs. I know every parent would be doing this while waiting for their baby. We too had our share of joy from god. Week by week we used to look at books and journals to see what they tell about baby’s development inside the belly.

After 5 or 6^th month when your mummy’s tummy was larger and we could see your movements very often, I used to touch the belly and feel you move many times a day. Then also I used to get impatient. Just a  few muscular layers of flesh were separating me from touching you. When will you come out? Then immediately your mummy will tell me. “Let our baby complete the full time required to be inside. We should not be in a hurry. Just pray that our baby’s all organs are developed, he or she is a healthy baby and the baby come out only when it is the right time”

I don’t have a habit of praying for something to happen. I believe in being good and doing good things. Then I feel, god’s blessings will automatically come our way. I consider God as a friend and make friendly conversations with him when I am alone. But for you, I did pray to him several days, along with your mummy, to give us you as a healthy sweet baby.

From our bookish knowledge we knew that baby’s can understand voices after some month’s of development while they are inside the womb. So I used to sing songs for you . I used to call you with so many pet names thinking that you might be listening to me. At that time since we didn’t

know whether you are a boy or a girl, I used to call you with boy names as well as girl names.

The doctor here in Malaysia asked us whether we want to know about your gender before you arrive. To some people knowing the gender might be  a perfectly right option. But for us, we decided not to know. We wanted to live though the excitement of not knowing that till you come out of your mummy’s tummy. Whether boy or girl, we knew that you are a gift from God. We were more than happy to accept the gift irrespective of the gender.  

In our culture, it is believed that one should not buy anything for the baby before the baby arrives. For that reason I resisted myself from buying cloths for you. But few days before my travel to India as the delivery date was approaching, I could not fight that temptation and I went to a baby store to buy some cloths for you. The lady in the store asked me, is it a boy or a girl? I said..’I do not know’. But, still I bought some cloths for you. The joy of not knowing certain things before we are supposed to know it,  is something great to experience Joanna.

But, personally I had a slight inclination towards a baby girl. Do you know why? I love to dress her up, bath her, comb her hair, buy nice little dresses (of course pink), play with her and above all, baby girls are less naughty than baby boys. My only worry of baby girls is the unfortunate state of the world they will be living in. They have to face a man’s world with ever increasing atrocities and harassment towards women. Gender inequalities and crimes happen even to baby girls. This is not only my worry. I know every parent with a girl child would have this thought somewhere deep in their heart. But that is not going to bring down the joy of having you even by atomic levels. I am not much worried about that. You know why? If the almighty can give you to us, he can protect you too from all the evils.

Do you know Joanna, how your arrival has changed our lives. There is a different meaning to life for me and your mummy. Our lives are filled with joy and hope. Few years back I used to worry that I am getting older and I would ask myself....will there be someone whom I can call my own? Who will inherit all that I have earned. Bhagavat Gita says that “all that you have today, will be someone else’s tomorrow”. I used to wonder, will that someone be someone of my own? When I used to see kids playing around, I used to silently ask my friend , God, hasn’t my time come?.

The answer to our prayers is you.. Joanna. So many days we waited in patience to have you into our lives. I just want to let you know how much you were desired, how much you mean to us and how much we love you.

Every time me and your mummy discussed about you, poured our love and affection even before you could arrive, I used to think of the many unfortunate babies in this world. Some are denied the right to live just after they are born into their mother’s womb, just because the parents did not want a baby girl. Some unfortunate babies are killed after they are born. Some are thrown to the wilderness because someone wants to escape from their sins or cover up the shame they may have to face. And the saddest of all, some innocent babies are harassed and abused as they live through their early lives.

I sometime fail to imagine the attitude of those people who do these atrocities. Me and your mummy were living each and every second with the desire to get you into our lives. Won’t such feelings be there in the minds of those people who do the atrocities. How can they do such heinous things looking at the innocent face of those babies. Except for few species, even animals would not do such things. But that’s reality. Whenever I used to read about such things, I would silently pray for those innocent babies who are denied a chance to live. We are lucky to have you Joanna and you are lucky to have us too, who wanted you in each and every second and who would do anything for you.

Ultra sound scan showing your face

After 7^th month into the pregnancy, your mummy had gone back to India and I had to be here for work. Even that was a difficult decision, as the only other choice was to have the delivery here, so that I am there with your mummy. But considering the better support system and better medical facilities near home, I decided to send your mummy back home. Then my plan was to be with your mummy two weeks before the expected date of your arrival. I wanted to ensure that I am with your mummy when she needs me the most and I wished to receive you in my hands from the nurse. You know, whenever I did daydreaming, I imagined about those wonderful moments of receiving you in my hands from the labor room. Often I wondered, what would be my feeling on seeing you for the first time. Just before your mummy left for India, we went to see the doctor here and she showed us an ultrasound scan image of your face. That time the doctor said that the baby was looking like me with chubby cheeks. My limited vocabulary does not allow me to express the happiness I had on seeing that image of you. Later, I looked at that picture and tried to make up a full picture of your face for countless days. 

But you decided or may be my friend God decided on your behalf to send you a day before my  arrival in India.

This was your first photograph..

 Even though I planned my travel dates two weeks in advance from the expected date of your arrival, (as told by the doctors) you were born on the day I was traveling. I was preparing to go to the airport when I got a call from your aunty, saying that your mummy is being taken to the operation theater. As I was taking my bags to be put into the taxi, I came to know that you, Joanna Jose, has finally arrived. That was the greatest news I ever heard in my life. At the same time, I was bit disappointed and  felt guilty, that I could not be by your mummy’s side when she badly need me . She wanted my presence when she went through the pain of normal delivery till last moment and then the pain of C-section too. As I wished, I could not be there to receive you in my hands. But those disappointments are nothing when compared to the enormous joy I had, hearing about your arrival. I looked at the positive side of that. Since you came earlier than expected, I was able to spend all the days of my vacation with you.

When I bordered the plane to India, I was filled with excitement to see you my baby. The hours in the plane and the time spent at the airport during transit appeared like days and years. I was impatient to reach home and take you into my hands. But you know, I was gripped by some unknown fear as well. It was only two weeks prior to that the Malaysian airlines flight MH 370 disappeared without trace. Normally I am a positive thinking person. But for some reason I had a fear in my mind. What if I don’t’ get a chance to see you? Then I held on to my positive outlook and looked at my friend God. When he plans everything for me, why should I worry. Even then, throughout that flight to India, I was constantly struggling between these positive and negative thoughts.

When I landed in Cochin in the midnight, even the  forty five minutes car journey seemed to me like too long. I was desperate to see you. Finally I arrived at the hospital and came to the room where you were sleeping beside your mummy. My dear Joanna, I do not know how to express the happiness I had on seeing you…wrapped in white cloths, and looking like the sweetest baby in the world, were you…the bundle of joy and a gift of god to us.

You are my bundle of joy

Though I had not completely recovered from the cough and cold I had then, I could not resist the temptation of touching you and kissing your soft hands and legs. Since I knew your tiny body is not fully prepared to resist any infection, I tried my best to stay away from you. I even wore a face mask to avoid transmitting the infection. You know how much I missed holding you in my hands during those moments. Had I been all right, I would have immediately taken you in my arms and kissed your chubby cheeks. More than anything that’s my right…isn’t it? But as a responsible father I had to make myself patient and keep my temptations under control.

When I touched you for the first time, I was on cloud nine. The softness of your chubby cheeks, your hands, your tiny fingers, the glitter in your eyes when you looked around, all these were extraordinary feelings which I cannot describe better. Only a person who had gone though that experience can understand what I felt.  I could not believe myself that, lying in front of me is my sweet angel, whom I can call my own. I could not believe that my dream of so many years have come true. I silently thanked my friend for giving you to me. Also I also thanked your mummy, who was lying beside you, looking pale and fragile, having gone though all the pains to bring you to this world. In my mind I apologized to her a thousand times for not being with her when she needed me the most. Knowing how much I love and care for her, I am sure your mummy will forgive me for that.

You completed our family

Since you arrived, I have been talking to you about so many things. I have been singing songs for you. I have learned changing nappies for you (though mummy does it most of the time for you). I enjoyed every second seeing you and talking to you, though you don’t understand anything I say. The feeling of becoming a father has not yet fully sunk in me. But I am reaching there…a bit slowly.

 Once again, I would thank my friend, God for sending you to us. Thank you for coming to our family. You completed our family. As sung by Donald peers in his old song ‘papa loves mamma’, you are a gift form god and a bundle of joy.

my hope in life...you

The world you have come to, is a great place, though it has its share of evils and negativeness. But I am sure you will grow and learn to realize the positive side of it and appreciate the good things in it. I will not make any promise to make you a doctor or engineer or anyone of my choice. But along with your mummy, I would help you to stand on your feet. We would help you to become a good human being. We would do our best to assist you in becoming what you want to be. That’s our promise to you Joanna.

None of us know what lies ahead of us. From experience I have learnt that certain things we want to tell our beloved ones, have to be told without waiting, before the opportunity to tell that is lost. Hence I am writing  this and I am sure you will read this, some day in the future. We just want to tell you again…you were so much desired to be into our lives. You were wanted so much my baby.

Long live my child. May god bless you. 

With thousand kisses..

Your loving papa and mummy.

Jose Varghese

Miri, Malaysia

12 May 2014

Clipart images : courtesy Google