A difficult Question

 

I am scared…

One might think that it is too early for me to worry about this. But the fact is that, the news trickling down from every source around me makes me worried about the kind of a life that awaits my daughter when she grows up. Just like me, many other parents, at least in my country, would be thinking on the same line. I am not getting scared because of the ongoing pandemic, or climate change, or rising unemployment or any other reason of similar nature. Of course they are also reasons of concerns. But more than anything,  I am just scared of the mindset people on the social setup like patriarchy and associated social menace attached to it; notably the notorious dowry system.

Since last few months, social media and news channels have been inundated by the avalanche of stories about dowry related deaths. Women are being subjected to abuse physically and mentally in large numbers, in the name of dowry. It eventually leads to the death of the women concerned, either as suicide or homicide. In some cases, justice is served sooner or later. But in some cases, justice hides into oblivion and the culprits go scot free, due to the loopholes in our notoriously slow system of justice.

Every time I read such news, something pierces my heart. Couple of weeks back, there was a similar case from Kerala, where a young and dynamic girl committed suicide (as per the primary investigation it is a suicide. It could be murder as well). She was frequently harassed by her spouse in the name of dowry in spite of bringing in dowry in cash and kind already during the marriage. Some reader of an online news channel made a comment on that news article, which keeps on echoing in my mind. He asked… “would anyone be courageous enough to put the statement in the matrimonial column for their daughters that no dowry will be given?”. That stirred a lot of thoughts in my mind. I realized that it is a hard and difficult question.

Since my childhood I have been listening to the stories of dowry being part of the Indian institution of marriage. Till some age, I grew up believing that to be a norm under the patriarchal society we live in. Perhaps while studying in college and university I started to develop my own views around this system. Even then, while I listened to the conversations that happened in my family and extended family during marriages, I didn’t feel anything wrong with that custom of giving the bride and the groom some “gifts” for their future family life. Every family did it. So, it was the norm. Of course, I had already developed a strong disagreement on the “dowry demand” from the groom’s side and any domestic violence meted out to women in the name of dowry. But the mutually agreed “gift” given from the girl’s family, as an unwritten rule, was still sounding normal to me.

Slowly I began to know more about the social menace of the so-called dowry system and how it caused crimes against women. Without break, stories used to appear in new papers about some newly wed bride committing suicide, or some bride dying due to gas explosion or pressure cooker explosion, and many more. It was at that time I started thinking behind the logic in that socially accepted norm. With shame and grief, I realized that we all are part of a system that considered marriage as an auspicious ceremony as well as a commodity selling function. Various strata of the society used this dowry system in different levels. While the rich and affluent people used that as an opportunity to flaunt their wealth, the poor and lower-class people felt the burden of raising enough money to marry off their daughters. People had to sell off their life’s earnings and belongings to raise enough cash or goods or gold to conduct the marriage of their daughters.

 The  dowry system has long been prohibited under Indian laws including the Dowry Prohibition Act 1961 and subsequently by Sections 304B and 498A of the Indian Penal Code. But unfortunately, the law is widely criticized as being totally ineffective. People always find loopholes to bypass the law and still practice the system of dowry. Rather than calling it dowry explicitly, people might call it “pocket money” or “wedding gift” for the newlyweds. Hidden behind those synonyms would be the same financial  burden which many families cannot afford. Some people who could afford to give the newly weds cash or any other goods as pocket money, would be putting intense pressure on other people in their circle of family or friends or colleagues or cast or community, knowingly or unknowingly. Those who will face that pressure may or may not be able to withstand it. Financial turmoil, suicides, abetment to suicide and homicides become continuous stories for the press.

Though it might appear as a joke, it is a sad reality that there exists unwritten rate charts for grooms across India. It can vary from state to state, depending on the occupation of the groom in question. A government servant, that too in the higher ranks of the administration will have the highest “right” to demand the maximum dowry. On the other hand, an educated, well paid private firm employee, even if he is a CEO of a company, may not have that edge over the government servant groom in the eligibility race. Cash, gold, land and vehicles dominate the demand list within the dowry system.

I grew up listening to the phrases like, “marriages in Western culture do not last; frequency of divorces is very high in the west; culture and values in marriage in Indian system are superior”.  Well… I am not here to claim any system as bad or good. I am a true believer that every culture has something good to offer and something bad to be avoided. The real good thing about the western culture is the fact that people who develop a liking for each other, decide to live together and raise a family irrespective of their age, cast, colour, even same sex. There is no involvement of anything like dowry there. But in India, this system of dowry is very prevalent even among highly educated people. Also, with fear and sadness I realize that the Indian institution of marriage is not immune to divorces as we preach. Domestic violence in the name of dowry plays a significant role behind that raising number of divorces, suicides and homicides.

While I never acted as a rebel within the family, questioning the dowry system in any marriages that I have been part of, I started questioning in my mind, the moral values behind the concept of dowry. If the increasing number of crimes against women in the name of dowry were not there, perhaps I would not have even thought about questioning the system. I would have continued to accept the “well intended” practice as the norm. Unfortunately, countless families fell into the wormhole of dowry. Harassment in the name of dowry and deaths became a usual content of news channels and social media. Recent spike in such incidents, either due to actual increase in incidents or may be due to a greater number of incidents being reported, prompted me to pen down my thoughts on this subject.

Nobody can predict tomorrows. But still, we all hope for tomorrows, day after tomorrows and plan for the future. So do I. I hope that when my daughter grows up, I will get her married to a suitable boy. Behind that hope, like every father would have, there are still many fears and apprehensions.

·        What kind of a boy would he be?

·        What kind of a family would he be from?

·        Will he be joining the same bandwagon of people expecting or demanding something as a price money to look after my child?

·        Will I have the courage to say no to any proposal that comes with the unwritten or implicit demands of dowry or a price tag?

·        If something undesirable happens, as a loving father, would I be able to do anything for her at that time?

There are more questions that cloud my mind. I have not mentioned them explicitly here. Out of the five questions I mentioned here, the first four are beyond my control. But for the last one at least, I can do something. For that I don’t have to wait for the future. I can do that now itself.

I think, every parent should think about making their child capable to standing on their on foot. In our patriarchal society this happens normally for the boy child. Many people with a progressive mindset do the same for girl child as well.  I wish to give my daughter the best education I can give, so that she can stand on her foot and not be dependent on anyone for a living.

So, the best thing I can do is to find what her passions are, promote them, and give her the best education which will help her in sharpening her skills, improve her employability, widen her vision about the world we live in. Once she learns some life skills, lands on a good job, and learns to take care of her first, perhaps I will have the courage to answer the question asked by the online news reader … “Yes, my friend… I will put that upfront in the matrimonial column...No prices tags will be accepted … no dowry will be given”.

I sincerely pray that the system will change for good… the mindset of people will change…and no bride dies in the name of dowry.

 

Jose

Bangalore

14th July