Who would pray to god to take the life of his or her sibling? I know there are many people who would do it for the right reasons. I
was one among them. Silently I prayed to god many times, to call my elder sister
to his abode without prolonging her suffering. Then you may think, why I didn’t
ask god to cure her instead of calling her to his abode. That’s because I don’t
believe in unrealistic miracles. I was aware of the ground reality and the
illusions created by false hopes. I knew that the best thing that can happen to
her was a peaceful journey to heaven. The metastatic cancer had already affected
almost every part of her body, leaving aside few critical organs. Hoping for a
cure and recovery would be unrealistic and can only deepen the sorrow when the reality
strikes. But realizing the inevitable and doing everything possible to ensure a
peaceful departure is what all of us at home could do. Requesting the almighty not
to prolong her pain was the best prayer we all could do. That’s what I did.
This eulogy is not to mourn her death, but to celebrate her
life. All who knew her, would agree with me to celebrate her life. To do that,
I will have to tell, more about her life. She was
- ‘Lilly
Varghese’, my eldest sister, whom I fondly called ‘Vallyechi’ (means Big sister),
and she called me ‘Kuttan’(means small boy).
- 16
years elder to me and was almost like a mom to me.
- ‘Lilly
kutty’ or ‘Lillamma’ to my mom and elder brothers.
- ‘Maayi’
(means aunty) to my daughter, and nieces.
- 'Tichamma' to my nephiews.
- ‘Lilly
chechy’ to many others.
- A
sexagenarian, who touched many lives through her kindness, love, and affection.
Black coffee
Anyone who has visited my house could vouch about the
hospitality showed by vallyechi. Without exception, she would ask people if they
needed tea or black coffee. She was very fond of black coffee herself and many
have tasted the magical black coffee she used to prepare. Many of my friends,
and relatives exactly mentioned about this hospitality. People including me
could make the request for a black coffee or tea at any time of the day and without
any hesitation she used to make it. There was nothing special in fact about the
black coffee or tea recipe. Perhaps the secret ingredient that made it
special was the affection she put in and the efforts to comfort the people.
She was not the greatest coffeemaker in the world. But I believe that the
kindness and love with which she made coffee for all makes her one of the best coffeemakers
in the world, in my eyes.
One call away
While I was consoling myself and trying to console my mom
who was seated beside vallyechi’s mortal remains kept inside the mobile
mortuary, mom whispered to me.
“Every time you come home on leave, even before you come,
your sister will arrange your room, keep the bed clean, change old bed covers
and sheets, and ensure everything you need is there. Now there is no one to do that
kutta”.
I have rarely seen my mom crying. She is a bold lady who
has seen many ups and downs in life. But she was weeping while uttering every
word she said.
What she said was true. Once I come home, as if mechanically
programmed, all my senses will turn to vallyechi to ask for anything I need.
-
“Chechy
where is my towel?”
-
“Chechy
where are the almarah keys?”
-
“Chechy,
where have you kept the property documents?”
-
“Chechy
can you please give a glass of water?” (though the jar of water is within my
reach).
-
Knowingly I would become lazy. I enjoyed being a lazy brother
and she too found happiness in helping a lazy brother with mundane things like
that.
Now sitting in my room upstairs, I feel that vacuum very much.
I find the soap, towels, bed sheets and all other things by myself, without even
uttering a word. That luxury of being “served” by a beloved sister full of love
and affection is not anymore.
The guide
I owe a significant part of my “career” to her. From
preschool days to class 10, her contribution to my studies was significant. Taking
me to preschool was her duty. In higher classes, helping me to study and do my
daily homework were included in her daily chores. She would wake up early in
the morning, make coffee for me, sit with me on the wooden bench near the kitchen
when I study, ask questions from the notebook to help me memorize the answers and
help mom in the kitchen to prepare for my school tiffin. She often said that she didn’t achieve
anything in academics. But what she didn’t realize is the fact that my
achievements are built on the solid support she has given during my childhood.
Unusual Letters
While I was studying in University of Roorkee (now the IIT
Roorkee), there were no mobile phones. Even the normal telephones were not
available at all houses. More than the expensive STD calls, the best medium of
communication at that time, was through the
postal department. I used to write and get letters from friends and relatives. Vallyechi
used to write letters to me, which need a special mention. Without fail, her
letters would have four to six A4 size
papers and every inch, including the margins and both sides would be utilized for writing. She
would write every detail about everyone at home, in my relative’s houses, about
the people in the village and township whom I know and many more details. I
would feel like I am getting transported to those places through her letters.
They were like a well-crafted travelogue. Later, when telephones and mobile phones
became a common thing, the letters disappeared. But when I used to speak to her
on phone, the same rituals continued. She would narrate every incident that happened
at home and surroundings. In the nomadic life I live, where I miss being with
my mom and siblings, her narrations had always helped in bridging the gap I
felt.
Unique Recipes
Another funny thing about her was the details with which she
used to describe things. A good example is on recipes. While I was living the life
of a bachelor, immediately after getting job, I dared to do some cooking during
my spare time. It was partly to learn a survival skill and partly to cook my
favorite dishes like my mom would cook. So, I asked vallyechi about the recipe
of some of the common food items that I liked. The normal recipes we find in
the cookbooks or internet will have the list of ingredients and the cooking
methods only. Her recipes would include much more than that. She would explicitly
mention, how to wash the vegetable ( e.g., wash the long beans two three times
in the running water ensuring that the dirt is all gone), how to cut the
vegetable ( e.g., the recipe for potato fry will have the drawing of the potato
slice to show me the right size and shape of the potato). Once I had to call
her over phone to take an on-the-spot help on cooking something. I was calling her
with the oil pan over the burning stove. When I asked about the recipe, she was
about the go into her usual descriptive way of how to prepare for the cooking.
The I said,
“Vallyechi, if I keep listening to that long description, the
vegetable is going to be burnt. Avoid all descriptions… trust me I will do it.
Just tell me the ingredients and how to cook.”
Sacrifice
In the early part of this year when she started limping
while walking, no one realized that she will be a memory soon. Nobody including
her had any wildest clue that her bones had already been captured by the cancer
cells. A hospital visit later for some investigation revealed the metastatic
nature of the ailment, which had by then grown into many parts of the body. That
was a time when we had severe Covid cases within my family. My elder brother and
family were impacted by Covid. My brother and his wife were admitted in the
hospital with Covid severity. His kids were also impacted; but they were staying
at home only for recovery. Hospital support in terms of food supply was coming
from my home where vallyechi was instrumental in the food preparation and logistics.
Though she was feeling uncomfortable due to the growing illness, she didn’t disclose
it to anyone as she didn’t want to disturb the situation at home. She knew that
her support was very much needed at that time. She chose to continue that over
her own health. Only after the covid situation was under control, she decided
to go to hospital for check up. By then her walking style had considerably
changed. The hospital investigations, including some scans revealed the extent of
deterioration of the bones and the metastasis. Rapidly her movements were
restricted. An uncle of mine arranged for a wheelchair. Within few days’ time,
she started the life within the confinement of few walls inside the bedroom and
hall.
Heart breaking call
During one of my routine telephone calls, I came to know
about the unexpected hospital visit and the turn of events since then. Like
many others at home, I was also shocked to hear about it. Vallyechi had spent a
good lifetime fighting illnesses. Significant part of her youth was captured by
some disorders in the autoimmune spectrum. I know very well that I don’t have
the capacity to endure the pains like she did over many years. Then in the late
stage of her life, when everything appeared to be in remission, I didn’t realize
that it was a calmness before a thunderstorm. Even when I was told that the cancer
is in advanced stage, I hoped there could be miracles. I had hopes on chemotherapy
and availability of advanced medicines. But when I was told that she cannot be
given chemotherapy due to her already weak body and very advanced stage of
cancer, I fought hard to accept the reality that palliative care was the
only remaining option before us. As I live a gypsy’s life, far away from home,
I could only feel her suffering through the calls and descriptions by others. It
would have been difficult for me to see and experience all those in person, if
I was near to her every day.
One last time
As soon as I heard the details, I was completely shattered.
I had to prioritize between the work schedule, commitments, urge to see
vallyechi, and the need to safeguard myself and my family against Covid, before
deciding on travelling to Trivandrum. By my nature, I usually get torn between
such decisions which have lots of emotional elements. Now I thank god for
making me decide on the need to come home and see vallyechi at that time, even though
Covid in Kerala was still at rage.
When I saw her, sat beside her, held her frail and weak
hands in mine, looked into her eyes and watched the angelic smile hiding
unimaginable sorrows behind it, she said to me that she is not afraid to die.
She in fact prayed and wanted us also to pray to god, not to let her live with
pain anymore. But she was afraid that her suffering is giving unfathomable pain
to our mom. Even while going through the pain that impacted her every movement,
she was worried about impacting others discomfort, especially our mother’s.
“My life is of no use to anyone. All I could give to anyone is
just sorrow”. During the candid conversations, she would often mention this. Though
I can very well imagine the state of mind of any person, who has endured pains
all throughout his or her life, I could not encourage her to keep thinking the way she expressed her mind. Instead, I said,
“Vallyechi.. please don’t think that your life was a waste.
Every life has a meaning. Everyone is destined to do something, which that
person may or may not understand in full sense. At one side, the almighty gave
you some sufferings. But on the other hand, you were the chosen one to shape
the life of many people. Myself, as a kid and four of my nephews and nieces were
taken care by you. Though you were not married, you did the duties of a mother to
all of us. Those moments, filled with lots of love and care, were instrumental
in our growth and helped us reach where we are today. So please do not think
that your life is wasted. In a way, it is more meaningful than the life being
lived by many of us.”
Before coming back to Bangalore, I hugged her one last time
as she was sitting in the wheelchair. Though I was coming to terms with the reality
that she doesn’t have much time, I never imagined that I will not be able to
see her alive before my next visit within few months’. Since that visit, her
health deteriorated rapidly. From wheelchair she was almost bedridden. In November,
I decided to come home for two weeks. I booked the tickets and made all
arrangements for the travel on a Sunday evening, 21st of Nov. On the
last video call when I saw her; the condition was not great. Still, I had hopes of
meeting her and holding her hands one more time. But the ways of god are
strange. On the day of my planned travel, early morning, she passed away. I
accepted the reality with a positive thinking that the almighty didn’t want me
to see her in her worst phase. When I last met her in person, I could see her angelic
smiling face. Let that be the memory of the last meeting that I will cherish
for the remaining part of my life.
Premonitions or Déjà vu ?
Though she was not very religious person and never attended church
regularly (except for family functions), couple of days before her death, she murmured
about some church functions during her semi-conscious conversations. That triggered
the thought of giving her “thailabhishekam” (anointing a person with holy oil) in
my mom’s mind. She requested others at home to arrange for it through the church.
Though the priest initially thought he may not be able to come on that day itself,
he managed to come home the same night and complete the thailabhishekam. That
ritual is made with a hope of a recovery for any sick person. My mom believed that it might help my
sister to get relief from her pains and make a slow come back. As my mom was
not given a full picture of the stage of the cancer, she still had hopes of my sister's recovery. The next day morning, by around 6 O’ clock, my sister passed away. A
doctor staying nearby, came to confirm this and mentioned that she died due to cardiac arrest.
Perhaps some déjà vu triggered the incidents, either through
my sister’s act or my mom’s. We are happy that just before her final moments,
she was given the holy ceremony one can wish for in a Kerala Christian family. From the world of mortals, she flew to the
world of immortals, where there is no pain anymore.
I don’t believe in premonitions, prophecies, fortune telling,
astrology or any sort of such predictions. But I also agree that sometimes, the
science I believe in and the logical thinking I always embrace, do not give
answers to all questions and situations. A day before Vallyechi passed away, the
home nurse who was with her since last two months, told my sister and
sister-in-law that she had a dream of vallyechi being carried away by two
angels. I confirmed this fact from people at home that the home nurse told this
a day before, not after the death. I do not know how to explain it. But I do
want to believe that she was carried away by angels.
And the rains…
This is a time when many parts of India, especially south India
is being bombarded by heavy rains and floods. The day I travelled to home in
Trivandrum, Bangalore was getting soaked heavily in rains. But in Trivandrum,
that day (day Vallyechi died) and the next day during the funeral, it was
unexpectedly sunny. Many people could come and pay tributes to her. Then again from the next day onwards it is raining all day,
even while I am writing this. May be this is a human tendency to connect all
the dots and proclaim that even the nature took part in our grief, temporarily
stopped its fury, and made the sky clear
for two days. One may say it is a biased thinking. But in fact, that is how
things turned out to be. Even the Reverent Father who came home for completing
the rituals on the third day of her death, mentioned about the nature’s kindness,
which normally I would have questioned based on ‘logical thinking’.
Epilogue
Death of a loved one creates immense pain in all who loves
that person. Sometimes the gap created by the nonexistence of that person will
continue for a long time. In her case, more than anyone the vacuum is felt by
my mother, who feels that her one side is paralyzed. Kitchen was the world for
both my mom and sister.
We all come with an expiry date. The marvel and thrill of
life is that no one knows when the final moment for them is. As an inevitable
process, one moment death will appear from somewhere to take each of us. This is
a hard reality, and all that matters is how one lives through the time allotted
to her/him in this beautiful world. My sister had her share of pains and
sorrows. But undoubtedly, I can say that she was loved by many people. The vacuum
her death created in our lives itself is a proof that how much she was loved by
all. She had left a mark in the lives of many people who knew her. As my job
requirements and life’s circumstances didn’t allow me to stay close to my home
in Trivandrum, my wife Simi and daughter Joanna didn’t get much chance to live
with vallyechi and know her more as a person. Many times, I silently wished my daughter
would be loved and pampered by vallyechi. It was a birth right Joanna had. But
god’s plans are different from mine. I know, this will remain as a sorrow deep in
my heart forever.
We siblings are like five fingers. One finger is no more
there. In the highway of life, where we all are travelling, she took the exit
turn and left us. Rest all of us are continuing our journey in that highway. Someday,
my time also would come to take an exit turn like everyone else. After I pay
the price for my deeds, I may be judged and taken to heaven or hell (I am
slowly beginning to bury my scientifically and logically driven brain, to bring
forward more spiritually inclined thoughts nowadays). Wherever I end up, I am
sure, I will meet my sister at the heaven’s gate.
I am sure you are already in the company of all those
departed souls.
Rest in peace my dear vallyechi.
Love you forever
Yours
Kuttan
26th Nov 2021
