My dearest daughter Joanna
Welcome to this world and to our
family. Through this letter I just want to tell you how much me and your mummy
wished for you. I want to tell you how eagerly we all were waiting for you. I
know you are too young to understand all these. But I am sure, one day you will
read this and understand.  |
| one of your early ultra sound image |
When I first got the news that
your mummy is carrying, I was far away from her. I was studying rocks and
mountains in Ireland, as a part of my job. That’s when your mummy called me and
said, we are going to have a baby in nine months time. You know Joanna, that
was a news I wished to hear for so long. When I came back and took your mummy
to the hospital, the doctor congratulated me and your mummy for the good news
and showed your first ultrasound scan image. You were so small like a bead. Can
you imagine the
happiness we had on seeing that vague ultrasound image with
some tiny bead like structure in it? We started weaving so many colourful dreams
about you since then.
I used to get impatient at times.
I felt the time was moving very slow. I
wanted to see you and hold you in my hands at the earliest. But then I also
realised that god’s plans for a nine month period in your mother’s womb is very
much needed for your growth. Then I would control my impatience and go back to
my dreams.
The experiences me and your mummy
had during that nine months period, were beautiful and we consider them as blessings
from the almighty. Like, the joy in counting the days for your arrival,
watching your mummy’s tummy grow, touching her belly, feeling your tiny
movements inside your mummy’s belly and wondering whether it is your head or
hands or legs. I know every parent would be doing this while waiting for their
baby. We too had our share of joy from god. Week by week we used to look at
books and journals to see what they tell about baby’s development inside the
belly.
After 5 or 6th month
when your mummy’s tummy was larger and we could see your movements very often,
I used to touch the belly and feel you move many times a day. Then also I used
to get impatient. Just a few muscular
layers of flesh were separating me from touching you. When will you come out?
Then immediately your mummy will tell me. “Let our baby complete the full time
required to be inside. We should not be in a hurry. Just pray that our baby’s
all organs are developed, he or she is a healthy baby and the baby come out
only when it is the right time”
I don’t have a habit of praying
for something to happen. I believe in being good and doing good things. Then I
feel, god’s blessings will automatically come our way. I consider God as a friend
and make friendly conversations with him when I am alone. But for you, I did
pray to him several days, along with your mummy, to give us you as a healthy sweet baby.
From our bookish knowledge we
knew that baby’s can understand voices after some month’s of development while
they are inside the womb. So I used to sing songs for you . I used to call
you with so many pet names thinking that you might be listening to me. At that time
since we didn’t
The doctor here in Malaysia asked
us whether we want to know about your gender before you arrive. To some people knowing
the gender might be a perfectly right
option. But for us, we decided not to know. We wanted to live though the
excitement of not knowing that till you come out of your mummy’s tummy. Whether
boy or girl, we knew that you are a gift from God. We were more than happy to
accept the gift irrespective of the gender.
In our culture, it is believed
that one should not buy anything for the baby before the baby arrives. For that
reason I resisted myself from buying cloths for you. But few days before my
travel to India as the delivery date was approaching, I could not fight that
temptation and I went to a baby store to buy some cloths for you. The lady in
the store asked me, is it a boy or a girl? I said..’I do not know’. But, still
I bought some cloths for you. The joy of not knowing certain things before we
are supposed to know it, is something great
to experience Joanna.
But, personally I had a slight
inclination towards a baby girl. Do you know why? I love to dress her up, bath
her, comb her hair, buy nice little dresses (of course pink), play with her and
above all, baby girls are less naughty than baby boys. My only worry of baby
girls is the unfortunate state of the world they will be living in. They have
to face a man’s world with ever increasing atrocities and harassment towards
women. Gender inequalities and crimes happen even to baby girls. This is not
only my worry. I know every parent with a girl child would have this thought
somewhere deep in their heart. But that is not going to bring down the joy of
having you even by atomic levels. I am not much worried about that. You know
why? If the almighty can give you to us, he can protect you too from all the evils.
Do you know Joanna, how your
arrival has changed our lives. There is a different meaning to life for me and
your mummy. Our lives are filled with joy and hope. Few years back I used to
worry that I am getting older and I would ask myself....will there be someone whom I can call my own?
Who will inherit all that I have earned. Bhagavat Gita says that “all that you
have today, will be someone else’s tomorrow”. I used to wonder, will that
someone be someone of my own? When I used to see kids playing around, I used to
silently ask my friend , God, hasn’t my time come?.
The answer to our prayers is you..
Joanna. So many days we waited in patience to have you into our lives. I just
want to let you know how much you were desired, how much you mean to us and how
much we love you.
Every time me and your mummy
discussed about you, poured our love and affection even before you could
arrive, I used to think of the many unfortunate babies in this world. Some are
denied the right to live just after they are born into their mother’s womb,
just because the parents did not want a baby girl. Some unfortunate babies are
killed after they are born. Some are thrown to the wilderness because someone
wants to escape from their sins or cover up the shame they may have to face.
And the saddest of all, some innocent babies are harassed and abused as they
live through their early lives.
I sometime fail to imagine the
attitude of those people who do these atrocities. Me and your mummy were living
each and every second with the desire to get you into our lives. Won’t such
feelings be there in the minds of those people who do the atrocities. How can
they do such heinous things looking at the innocent face of those babies.
Except for few species, even animals would not do such things. But that’s
reality. Whenever I used to read about such things, I would silently pray for
those innocent babies who are denied a chance to live. We are lucky to have you
Joanna and you are lucky to have us too, who wanted you in each and every
second and who would do anything for you.
 |
|
Ultra sound scan
showing your face
|
After 7th month into
the pregnancy, your mummy had gone back to India and I had to be here for work.
Even that was a difficult decision, as the only other choice was to have the
delivery here, so that I am there with your mummy. But considering the better
support system and better medical facilities near home, I decided to send your
mummy back home. Then my plan was to be with your mummy two weeks before the
expected date of your arrival. I wanted to ensure that I am with your mummy when she needs me the most and I wished to receive you in my hands from the nurse. You know, whenever I did
daydreaming, I imagined about those wonderful moments of receiving you in my
hands from the labor room. Often I wondered, what would be my feeling on
seeing you for the first time. Just before your mummy left for India, we went
to see the doctor here and she showed us an ultrasound scan image of your face.
That time the doctor said that the baby was looking like me with chubby cheeks.
My limited vocabulary does not allow me to express the happiness I had on
seeing that image of you. Later, I looked at that picture and
tried to make up a full picture of your face for countless days.
But you decided or may be my
friend God decided on your behalf to send you a day before my arrival in India.
 | ||
| This was your first photograph.. |
When I bordered the plane to
India, I was filled with excitement to see you my baby. The hours in the plane
and the time spent at the airport during transit appeared like days and years.
I was impatient to reach home and take you into my hands. But you know, I was gripped
by some unknown fear as well. It was only two weeks prior to that the Malaysian
airlines flight MH 370 disappeared without trace. Normally I am a positive
thinking person. But for some reason I had a fear in my mind. What if I don’t’
get a chance to see you? Then I held on to my positive outlook and looked at my
friend God. When he plans everything for me, why should I worry. Even then,
throughout that flight to India, I was constantly struggling between these
positive and negative thoughts.
When I landed in Cochin in the
midnight, even the forty five minutes
car journey seemed to me like too long. I was desperate to see you. Finally I
arrived at the hospital and came to the room where you were sleeping beside
your mummy. My dear Joanna, I do not know how to express the happiness I had on
seeing you…wrapped in white cloths, and looking like the sweetest baby in the
world, were you…the bundle of joy and a gift of god to us.
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|
You are my bundle
of joy
|
Though I had not completely
recovered from the cough and cold I had then, I could not resist the temptation
of touching you and kissing your soft hands and legs. Since I knew your tiny
body is not fully prepared to resist any infection, I tried my best to stay
away from you. I even wore a face mask to avoid transmitting the infection. You
know how much I missed holding you in my hands during those moments. Had I been
all right, I would have immediately taken you in my arms and kissed your chubby
cheeks. More than anything that’s my right…isn’t it? But as a responsible
father I had to make myself patient and keep my temptations under control.
When I touched you for the first
time, I was on cloud nine. The softness of your chubby cheeks, your hands, your
tiny fingers, the glitter in your eyes when you looked around, all these were
extraordinary feelings which I cannot describe better. Only a person who had
gone though that experience can understand what I felt. I could not believe myself that, lying in
front of me is my sweet angel, whom I can call my own. I could not believe that
my dream of so many years have come true. I silently thanked my friend for
giving you to me. Also I also thanked your mummy, who was lying beside you,
looking pale and fragile, having gone though all the pains to bring you to this
world. In my mind I apologized to her a thousand times for not being with her
when she needed me the most. Knowing how much I love and care for her, I am
sure your mummy will forgive me for that.
 |
|
You completed our
family
|
Since you arrived, I have been
talking to you about so many things. I have been singing songs for you. I have
learned changing nappies for you (though mummy does it most of the time for
you). I enjoyed every second seeing you and talking to you, though you don’t
understand anything I say. The feeling of becoming a father has not yet fully
sunk in me. But I am reaching there…a bit slowly.
Once again, I would thank my friend, God for
sending you to us. Thank you for coming to our family. You completed our
family. As sung by Donald peers in his old song ‘papa loves mamma’, you are a
gift form god and a bundle of joy.
 |
| my hope in life...you |
The world you have come to, is a
great place, though it has its share of evils and negativeness. But I am sure
you will grow and learn to realize the positive side of it and appreciate the
good things in it. I will not make any promise to make you a doctor or engineer
or anyone of my choice. But along with your mummy, I would help you to stand on
your feet. We would help you to become a good human being. We would do our best
to assist you in becoming what you want to be. That’s our promise to you Joanna.
None of us know what lies ahead
of us. From experience I have learnt that certain things we want to tell our
beloved ones, have to be told without waiting, before the opportunity to tell
that is lost. Hence I am writing this
and I am sure you will read this, some day in the future. We just want to tell
you again…you were so much desired to be into our lives. You were wanted so
much my baby.
Long live my child. May god bless
you.
With thousand kisses..
Your loving papa and mummy.
Jose Varghese
Miri, Malaysia
12 May 2014
Clipart images : courtesy Google
